The Christmas PreHoliday Shopping Nightmare
by djpaswhp2112
Summary: William and his friends must buy a list of gifts on Christmas Eve. The only catch: it's done on a sailboat.


"Will you hurry up?"

"I am hurrying up."

"Well, you're not doing it fast enough."

"Well, I don't see you trying to do this."

It was Christmas Eve, the day before Christmas, and because it's cheaper, we were shopping at the Crystal Mall that day. It was myself, Sterling Thomas, Joe Ferrentelli, Zack Philbrick, Joe "Joefus" Vlardi, and Austin Ahern. We were just finishing up our finishing shopper-proof touches on our sailboat.

Yes, our sailboat.

And if you were thinking that we were actually going to sail this boat over the shoppers, you were right. That way it would be easier to shop without getting lost. By the way, we're not crazy; we're just innovative.

Zack was leaning over the railing on the starboard side, urging me to hurry, but when you're fastening a 200-pound water tank onto a sailboat, you realize that you pretty much can't just grow biceps and lift it above your head to fasten it in that quickly. So apparently I was struggling against the clock.

"Zack," I said. "Can you give me a hand?"

"Whatever," he said.

He jumped over the railing and landed with a thud that echoed through the empty mall. He hoisted up the sagging end of the tank with all his might. I finished tightening the screws.

"There," I said, "now was that so hard?"

"Yes," he said sarcastically.

"Come on, guys," Joefus said, polishing the bottom of the sailboat. "We're here to shop. We need to make ends meet, dawg. Now come on, we're not gonna get work done just standing around collecting dust."

Zack and I climbed the ladder onto the boat and entered the galley. There Joey was making bagels in the toaster.

"We ready to go yet?" asked Joey.

"Not yet," I said. "We still need to get the GPS online. It sure is a good thing that my mom sold that house to the mall owner. When he offered to repay us, I was sure grateful that we get ahead start."

"Okay," Austen called as he climbed the ladder to the boat. "The sailboat's ready."

"Great," I said. "Now we're ready to…"

Before I could finish the sentence, the bell on the giant Christmas clock overlooking the main foyer started to DONG! 8 times, signaling 8:00, the time the mall opened to the general public.

"Oh, shit," I said. "Guys, get up here; they're opening the doors!"

Sterling, finishing the polish on the bow, made a dash for the ladder. He was the first to reach the ladder. He climbed up to safety. Joefus, on the other hand, spilled his cleaning stuff, and was scrambling to pick it up.

After the 8th DONG!, there was silence. I swear, you could've heard a pin drop.

Then there was a soft stampede noise.

It got louder.

The mall began to vibrate.

Chatter and screams echoed through the foyer.

"Joefus!" I cried. "Hurry up!"

Joefus grabbed the bottle of Turtle Wax and started climbing.

However, he wasn't fast enough. The crowd of shoppers gushed in. The force knocked the sailboat off its stands and was scooped up by the crowd of anxious shoppers. We screamed in terror.

Joefus was almost fully on when a sudden BUMP! almost pulled him out into the crowd. Sterling grasped his arms and desperately began to pull. Zack and Austen joined him. They pulled and pulled.

"Please!" Joefus called. "Don't let go! Don't let go!"

Finally they pulled him up onto safety. Austen rolled up the ladder. Sterling took the wheel. It took a while to get control, but soon we were smooth sailors.

I went into my private cabin office and picked up a piece of paper. It was the true reason we were here. It was the shopping list.

I then joined the crew on deck. They were sitting down eating bagels, donuts, and drinking OJ. I sat down, pulled up a bagel, buttered it, and then addressed the others.

"Okay guys, here's the deal. We need a toaster, a blender, a mattress, a digital clock/thermometer, a video iPod, a 36" LCD TV, a Dell Dimension 3100 desktop computer, 6 feet of denim, a fish tank, a pair of size 10 slippers, and a PSP. Any questions?"

Silence covered the ship.

"Okey-dokey then," I said. "Let's go shopping!"

We sailed into Sears. Seeing as everyone already had toasters and blenders, we got those in a jiff. When we reached the iPods, however, it was a different story.

I reached out to grab a white iPod, when all of the sudden, it was sinking.

"Oh no!" I said. "It's supply and demand!"

I tried to snatch one, but the pile grew out of my reach. Finally, without even thinking, I jumped. I snatched an iPod and fell into the crowd.

I quickly swam up to the surface. When I got there, the ladder to the sailboat was lowered. Zack tossed a lifeline.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "What were you thinking?"

I pulled the line until I reached the line. I climbed up, the iPod still clutched to my hand as if it were surgically attached to it.

I dropped the iPod onto the deck. Zack stomped over and smacked me.

"What the fuck was that all about?" I said.

"You can't just jump in there and expect to survive in that crowd, damn it!" he yelled. "What do you think this is, a Grateful Dead concert?"

I clenched my fist to punch back, but Joefus stepped in to the fight.

"Okay guys," he said. "We need to stop treating each other like Nazis. All we need to do is sit down and eat. Joey is making more bagels. Mmmmmmmmmm!"

Zack trudged off to the galley. I sat down at the table and ate.

After paying for our stuff, we sailed out of Sears from the second floor. The ship spat us off the edge and onto the first floor. I have never seen Austen look so sick.

Finally after 20 minutes of sulking, Zack came out of the galley. He sat down at the fishing seat, buckled himself in, and dropped in his line.

You see, Zack had a thought in his head saying that our list would be easier to cross off if he fished for it from the giant shopping crowd. If we didn't have it on the list, he'd use it as "bonus". So while Zack fished, Sterling steered, Austen navigated, Joey cooked, and Joefus and I talked and played video games in my private cabin office.

Finally, before we sailed into the shoe store to get the slippers, I went off and offered to take over at steering for a while.

"Dude, are you sure?" he asked me.

"Come on man," I said. "It's okay."

"Alright," he said.

"Zack," I said, "can you go get the slippers? Size 10."

Zack unbuckled himself from the fishing seat. "Okay," he said.

Just then, the line tugged.

"I think I caught something!" Zack cried.

He ran back towards the port side and excitedly reeled it in.

"Oh, man!" he said happily. "It must be a big one. Maybe a car or a new house!"

All of the sudden, in the midst of the reeling and our excitement and astonishment, the line pulled too hard for Zack and he was sucked into the crowd.

"Zack!" we cried.

We ran towards where he last stood and peeked over. He was nowhere to be found. I reached for the line, but Joey stopped me.

"Forget it," he said. "He's now where all gift stealers go to when they…well…go."

"I told him it was a bad idea," I said.

Sterling swung over the columns and into the store. He kept swinging until he got the slippers, paid for it, and came back. We sailed to our next destination in silence.

We were almost to our next destination when a giant slice of pizza hit one of our sails. It stuck to the sail like glue sticks to fur.

"Austen," I said. "You're the sail expert; can you climb up there and get that pizza slice off of the sail?"

"Do I have to?" he whined back.

"Yes," I said.

"Why?"

"Because the pizza slice is messing up the directions of the sails."

"Why?"

"Because it's interfering with the sails."

"Why?"

"Because it is."

"Why?"

"JUST GET RID OF THE FUCKING PIZZA SLICE!!!"

"Okay, okay," he said as he climbed up. "You don't have to be rude about it."

I smacked my face.

He climbed up and grabbed the pizza slice. He tossed it into the crowd. I watched him. All of the sudden he looked sick.

"Austen, you okay?" I hollered.

His response was a faint and he fell into the crowd.

"Austen!" I cried. I got on my knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I ran to the starboard side and peered over. He, too, was gone.

"I can't believe it," I said. "He was already sick. I shouldn't have let him go out there on his own."

The 4 of us looked over at the waters in sorrow for our friend. Before we knew it, we were at the next store.

It was Joefus' turn this time. He swam out and got the PSP, the TV, and the digital clock/thermometer. As he was paying the bill, I heard a crash coming from the galley. In shock, I ran downstairs. I searched the entire galley. When I looked through the window to my private cabin office, it wasn't there. Half the room was gone and all the furnishings were gone, too. People were crowding in. Seeing as Joey was downstairs at the time of the crash, he obviously disappeared with my office. But the real question was why he was in my private cabin office in the first place.

I walked back in shock onto the deck. Joefus and Sterling were standing there, looking at me suspiciously.

"William, what's going on?" Joefus asked.

"I don't know," I said. "I was looking to see what caused that crash downstairs. Half of my private cabin office was gone, and so was Joey."

All of the sudden there was another crash coming from the galley. We peered in to see what happened. The door to my private cabin office was busted open, and people were flooding in. We screamed.

"Quick, guys! Get out now!" I cried.

We ran up the stairs onto the deck. The crowd tried to pull me in. Joefus tossed a lifeline. I grabbed it and pulled my way back up to the deck. I landed on the floor with a thud! and got up.

"Drop the anchor," I said. "Group meeting." We huddled together.

"Okay, guys," I said. "Here's the deal. We lost 3 people and the galley and private cabin office. Without those, we have no food or supplies. However, we can't give up. We still have the computer, mattress, denim, and fish tank left to get. Once we get those, we can get out of here to safety and lunch."

"And how do you suppose we do that?" Sterling asked unwillingly.

"Simple," I said. "We just do what we did before. We have 3 stores to stop at, and I know it's dangerous, but we have to get that stuff. Now let's roll!"

We stopped at the linen store. My turn. I dove in and swam out until I reached the denim. I cut it and paid for it. As I swam back, I could see Joey and Sterling fighting a bunch of shoppers who had jumped onto the boat. I immediately climbed onto the ship.

"Joefus," I said. "What the hell is going on? I thought this boat was shopper-proof."

A guy came at me. I grabbed his neck and threw him over my shoulder into the crowd.

"Dude," Joefus said. "When the downstairs floor was destroyed, it was easier for shoppers to jump up. They're trying to raid our gifts."

A woman was trying to reach for the iPod. I slammed on her foot and pushed her overboard.

_Okay, that's it!_ I thought. I went into the emergency box next to the entrance to the boarded-up galley and pulled out a hand gun. I loaded it and pointed it up into the air. I fired 3 shots.

All of the sudden, everyone stopped. Even the people in the crowd stopped. The boat stayed still.

I looked towards the gifts. An elderly woman was trying to sneak close enough to get the denim. I pointed the gun at her. She yelped and jumped overboard. The people fighting Joefus and Sterling followed her lead.

I climbed onto the top of the galley entrance. 950 pairs of eyes stared into me back.

"WELL?" I said. I was angry. "What the fuck are you waiting for? A funeral procession? MOVE!"

My command was met immediately. Movement and chatter started again. The boat slowly began to move. Joefus and Sterling came running over to me with respect.

"Dude, thanks for saving our lives," Sterling said.

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "Now let's stop talking and start moving. Three more gifts and we're done."

We sailed to the computer kiosk. Sterling climbed down onto the top and paid for a computer. He was halfway back climbing up, when the rope snapped. He fell into the crowd and was lost.

"Sterling?" I said. "NO!"

I tried to jump over and save him, but Joefus stopped me.

"It's too late, man!" he cried. "We can't save him."

We sailed on.

Now we were at the mattress store. I went out and paid for it. The guys there were so nice they even brought it to the ship for us. Continuing out journey, we reached the final store: the pet store. Joefus got out and made a swim for it. However, there was a quarrel between the last fish tank. Joefus got into the crowd. Mall security had to break up the fight. When the crowd broke up, Joefus was gone.

"Oh, Christ!" I cried. "I'm the only one left. Man, what was wrong with internet shopping?"

Just then I heard a noise of trampling and screaming. I looked toward the front of the boat. It was a tidal wave.

I had to work quickly. I grabbed the mattress and put all the gifts on it. Then I jumped on it and braced for impact. The wave was so strong it engulfed the boat and spat me out. I fell off the mattress in mid-air.

"The gifts!" I cried. "NO!"

The gifts disappeared onto the crowd, collected up by the greedy, evil shoppers I was about to collide in. The last thing I remembered before I was knocked out was that I flew into the food court sign.

When I woke up later, I was outside in the cold. The mall was closed. The shoppers were gone. I surged up and said, "The gifts!"

"It's okay there, son; you didn't mean it."

I looked to see who the stranger was. It was the mall owner, with two securitymen holding the gifts.

"You took quite a spill back there," the owner said. "You lost your gifts in the crowd, too, but we got them back for you. Your boat was also destroyed, but you registered insurance on it, so it'll be repaired and ready to go back on the water this summer."

"Thanks," I said. "Wait! Where are all of my friends?"

I jumped off the cot in the ambulance and looked out at my friends, covered in blankets and huddled together, looking sick and pale.

"Joefus!"

"William!"

We embraced. It was a groovy moment. We finally got all our gifts, and now all we had to do is go home and wrap them.

"It's great to see you guys again," I said. Then remembering, I turned to Joey. "Wait, Joey; why were you in my private cabin office earlier when you got sucked out?"

"I wanted to make sure you saw this," Joey said. "It was very important." He handed me a piece of paper. I opened it. It said: _Dear William, I bought all the gifts on the list yesterday, but I forgot to tell you before you left. See you when you get home. Love, Mom._

"You mean…" I stammered, "that we actually didn't have to go through this whole nightmare after all?"

Joey nodded his head.

I fell over and passed out. Joey turned to the guys and said, "Bagel, anyone?"


End file.
